Tonight I went to a support group for families who have had to make the heart wrenching choice to terminate a wanted pregnancy. I have been to this support group a few times since Bryce's death, finding consolation in knowing that I am not alone in my grief and actually finding strength in how others deal with sorrow. I am continually amazed by various women in this group, and genuinely thankful that there is a forum to commiserate.
You might be asking yourself "Wow, it has been 9 months, Dianna is still grieving?" Yes, but do not be too sad about this. I want to grieve. I want to remember. I want to honor Bryce by not forgetting his precious life but I also want to allow myself appropriate time to process everything that has happened in this last year. And processing requires time...
Let me tell you, 2009 was the longest year of my life. During the week of learning about Bryce and his death, I remember every second. During the days to months that follow, I felt like I was running a marathon in slow motion. If you were to ask me what I did in my life in 2005 (year before I was pregnant with Zane) I would answer "I don't know". 2005 had no significant meaning other than I was living a pleasant life with husband and new dog, enjoying my family and new friends in the SF area. At least in 2006, I have multiple memories of being pregnant with Zane, but all of that seems like a blur. 2009 was that long! It seems like ages ago when Zane was a baby. Heck, we just had Zane's 3 year birthday party, and it seemed forever since his 2nd birthday. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy all my moments with Zane so even with this stretched length, I have had many good memories but this past year does seem very elongated.
Gus and I are thinking about having another baby. There, I said it. I throw this out there to explain what I am currently grappling. I am so scared. That's it, seems simple but it has shut me down emotionally for the past few months. After our cathartic hike in Kings Canyon during September, we discussed we were ready to have a baby. Every month since then, I have simply been too scared. I have mentioned this to a few friends, but typically just try to live a reasonable non-eventful life. "No drama" is what I have been hoping for, so I have shied away from anything that would cause it. Getting pregnant, coming to terms with my mother's post-stroke disability, dealing with my father for not remotely supporting me through the harshest moment of my life. You know, stuff like that. So I appear fine, but in reality can not find anything worthy to write about and share. Causing an even-keeled life, but empty in anything meaningful because I have not allowed myself to truly feel.
2010 brings new hope. I find myself more energized to deal with life. Although scared, I am at least finally excited about having a 3rd child, and I am willing to write about it on this blog. By acknowledging my fear, it makes it seem real and that a 3rd child is actually a possibility. Also we are moving my mom from Houston to Arlington so she can be close to Nana and have some observant care. (Mom is doing well, but not the same. She is clearly deficient in certain areas, but is willing to but forth effort to improve her health and cognition. It will be a long process of recovery, but at least she has the chance to be able to recover.) And the issues with my father... well that is a different blog for another time.
But I rather focus on the positive. Please accept my sincerest thanks to those that did support me, especially the ones that I did not ask for help but you were there. Thank you for those that did call or come by and just listen. For those that were not afraid to hear me cry, and thus heard me laugh too. Thank you for tolerating my sadness and my anger. Thank you for having faith in me, when the entire process could make anyone question faith. Thank you for making me realize just how strong my support network actually is. Because when I was depressed or anxious, I remembered everything you did for me. I felt the hands lift me up from the deep hole I fell in. I saw how hard it was for you to hear my words and know my grief. Thank you for embracing me and my family. Thank you for loving us.
I have needed to say this for a long time. Please know that I could not have survived 2009 without you. Truthfully, I am not that strong. It is because of your love and support that I was able to get past so many hurdles. I feel like I can finally breathe again, to not feel that I was moments away from drowning. I am not sore anymore, I am not numb. I can live life again.
Although I am wounded, I am stronger with your strength.
Dianna
