Saturday, June 13, 2009

God carried me

May 15, 2009, the day Bryce died. Unarguably the worst day of my life. I have not written a post in 3 weeks, secluding my thoughts in sorrow and trying desperately to become normal again. I have given up on "normal", I am just trying to function. In the biblical times, women were allowed months to wallow, draping themselves in black and allowing the world to continue without them for a period of time. How lucky am I that I can actually do this too? If someone in my immediate family died, I would receive one week off work, but because I am on medical maternity leave I get 6 weeks. It is true, that I did need healing time but I thought for sure that I would come back to work by next week. I have until June 26 and I honestly do not know what to do, receiving advice on both sides. Unfortunately week 3 is when postpartum kicks in, and outside of grief, I am having hormone issues as well. It's funny to me that my therapists and doctors say to take the full time off. Think they know something I don't, or did I possibly scare them when I spoke of my innermost feelings? To say the least, I am mourning. Of course I am, I lost my son. To say more... I am having guilt issues. My beautiful precious boy, how could I have made that choice? Why couldn't I find some other way to protect you? I have struggled with these thoughts (to be honest worst) these past weeks. Taunting myself with the horror of my decision. Forgetting that Bryce would inevitably die slowly, over months in pain. How can I possibly succumb to guilt, to blame myself for his death, the murder of my son?

...Because he is my son, and I love him. I just want him back. I finally realized yesterday that even if I have this guilt, I take that pain to save him. Deep down, I know I made the right decision but it is easy to let your emotions (not to mention the postpartum hormones) take over and cloud your thoughts. But if that is the price I pay to help Bryce out of discomfort and pain, then I proudly take it. I did everything I could to save Bryce, and he is saved.

We mentioned in another post that there were actually happy memories on May 15. Two of them I will talk about in this post, for the hope of drafting them to help me in my grief. First, one of the happiest memories of my lifetime is when I saw Bryce. Bryce was suddenly not a black and white pixelated picture but a baby's flesh, delicate and fragile. Lifeless, but the most beautiful tiny soul I could ever imagine. How lucky am I to have that memory? We did not choose to deliver Bryce to hold him, to see him. We chose to deliver him to honor his body. I honestly did not think about the gift I would receive by seeing that precious little boy, I actually feared it. Yes, he had two cleft lips and a cleft pallet, but honestly he would have been a poster boy for children with Trisomy 13, a model child. His skin delicately folded into a flower above his lips, covering the deformities. He was truly beautiful, an image I will never forget. His body was perfect, at least on the outside. Ten little toes, ten little fingers. Gusti's long legs and rectangular hands, my mother's lips - skinny and delicate, Nana's nose, my butt. No fat had grown yet, but Bryce did kick and punch, so he had muscles in his arms, shoulders and legs. My little Adonis, minus any stomach muscles... and Gusti's face. Bryce truly was a beautiful child, in all ways. I constantly look at the ultrasound photo and the karyotype to remind myself that on the inside Bryce was hurting, with no chance of survival. His beauty did lead to more guilt but that feeling is something that I gladly suffer just to know what he looked like.

I did not realize all the positive outcomes of that day, I paid no thought beforehand of anything other than how to save and comfort Bryce. In the last minutes of his life I did not allow myself to be stressed, knowing that Bryce would be able to sense the stress hormones. I wanted him to be at peace, relaxed, completely oblivious to what lied ahead. The night before, I prayed to God to give me peace, to give me the strength to be able to accomplish this. I begged for a miracle to reverse Bryce's medical conditions and pleaded for God to give me a sign to show that he did not approve of our decision. If I had even one doubt that entered my mind that day, I would cancel the whole procedure.

I woke calm, ready for the day ahead. Knowing that we were having a hard time finding a Chaplin that would baptize Bryce in utero while he was alive, I woke with an epiphany. I would baptize him. I grabbed my great-grandmother Nanny Petty's Bible, a rock chalice my mother gave to us for our wedding (but it arrived late) resembling a wooden cup, water and pictures of the family. The procedure began at 10am, if I did not hear anything by 9am I would baptize Bryce alive. This was important to us, both myself and Gus. The genetic counselor helping with the arrangements, told us that we can easily have a Chaplin baptise a stillborn, but only after the delivery. I know God saves all children, but it was imperative that Bryce was baptized alive. We reasoned that with this blessing he would be a peace before he died. At 9am waiting at the hospital chapel, we received no phone call. I placed family photos around us, opened the Bible to Pslams 139 "For you are fearfully and wonderfully made", and miraculously found other passages unmemorized that spoke of the love for your child. Prayed out loud and asked for strength, asked for forgiveness but stated that I was willing to risk damnation to save my son... begging again to please give me a sign. I asked God to bless the water and with a cross of my finger, Bryce was baptized in utero, alive. While, we were packing up I received a phone call. A Catholic Chaplin had heard our story and was rushing over to the hospital, he was 5 minutes away. It was 9:40am. An easy decision was made, that we would just be late for our 10am appointment, this was far too important. An out of breath elderly man arrived, with a gentle smile and hug. While the Father prayed, he thanked God for giving us wisdom to understand what we needed to do. He thanked God for the doctors and medical technology to know our answer. He asked God to give us peace. Bless this Chaplin, bless God for giving him the words that I needed to hear. I walked calmly upstairs at 10:15 am to begin the procedure. Minutes after I undressed, we had a knock on the door. Another Chaplin had heard our story and was there to baptize Bryce. Although we did not have a third ceremony, the gesture was appreciated. God was there in our room, I was so at peace that I never even thought about having a doubt. I closed my eyes and meditated, Harriet said a lovely prayer, Gusti held my hand and Bryce was saved. It took all of two seconds for his heart to stop. He never moved, never flinched, Bryce was in no pain. We all stayed calm, each one of us vocalizing our own thoughts and prayers. 6 minutes past, the length it takes for cells to die without oxygen. We wanted all of Bryce to be at peace during his death. Then we wept. The agony does not need to be described, but the peace of that moment does. God was present that day. Even writing this, I have no idea how I had the strength to stay calm, to not be understandably dramatic. The footprints in the sand were single, not of two walking side by side but of God carrying me. I can not be angry with God, because he lifted me up. I was at peace the moment that Bryce died. Thank you Lord.

It helps to write this, hoping that it will help me overcome my grief and my postpartum. My postpartum depression with Zane lasted for approximately 14 months (another blog to write), and I have barely spoken about it. I pray that I can get my hormones under control before then. It is not safe to have another baby until I not only get off the antidepressants but also allow my biochemistry to normalize. This is very important, or I will emotionally hurt the family I love. As strong as I love Gus and Zane, postpartum is not like that... just get over it for your family. It drags you deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole until you slowly crawl your way out. You have very little control. I had a beautiful, healthy baby with Zane, and I still had postpartum. A good friend asked, "Dianna, if you lived in Texas do you think you still would have had postpartum?" A fair question to ask, but also a simple answer to give. Yes. Hormones are a crazy thing, I know I met my match with the grief of Bryce. I have given myself to the Lord, and the Lord has given me help including the medical help necessary to heal me, along with my amazing support network with family and friends.

God, please continue carrying me. I need you now more than ever.

Footprints in the Sand -- Mary Stevenson, 1936

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?"

The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bryce's meaning in life


Dear Bryce,
Walk barefoot and build your dreams...



Baby of Mine (Lullaby from Dumbo)

Baby Mine, don't you cry.
Baby Mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part.
Baby of mine.

From your head down to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
But you're so precious to me,
Cute as can be,
Baby of mine.

But you're so special to me,
Sweet as can be,
Baby of mine.

I sung this lullaby to Bryce after his delivery.

We have been struggling with one main question, WHY? Why was Bryce so unlucky to have Trisomy 13? Why even with this, did his diaphragm not close correctly? Why didn't I miscarry in the first trimester? Why was Bryce's heart so strong, to survive as long as he did? Our answer to at least some of these questions are: Bryce fought to be known, and not be forgotten. Bryce wished to have an impact in this world, and he wanted to be loved.

There is a meaning to Bryce's life.

There are so many gifts that Bryce gave to us. I never imagined that I would have to make this type of decision. I never fully appreciated the miracle of life and also the depth of my love for my children. I never realized how much I love being pregnant and caring for a baby in the womb. Bryce showed me my magnitude of what it is to be a mom. He gave me the gift of knowing exactly how I love a child.

I am in anguish about my son Bryce.

The night of discovering we would have two boys, our main fear was that Bryce would be in Zane's shadow. That he would always be compared to his big brother. We questioned if we could love a second child as much as we love Zane, and how unfair that would be to Bryce if we secretly did not. We were incredibly wrong. Bryce gave us the gift of knowing the depths of how capable we are to love another child, that the soul of our heart can expand enormously for ALL of our children.

I mourn my lost son Bryce.

Bryce gave me the gift of delivery. With Zane, I had a cesarean and even though he was a beautiful healthy boy, I was always disappointed that I did not deliver naturally. Obviously the circumstances were not as I imagined, but given my other choices I found peace in being able to hold and love him. I found solace in my labor and delivery.

I weep for my beautiful baby boy Bryce.

The circumstances surrounding Bryce's condition were unusual enough that it caused a re-evaluation of the previous genetic tests and conventional ultrasounds that were run. Bryce is being discussed by various medical personnel to determine why didn't medical science catch his conditions earlier. Our obstetrician, the genetic counselors, the radiologists are all looking into what they can learn from Bryce's situation. The data are still there, Bryce will continue to be studied.

I am humbled that many wish to know and fully understand my son Bryce.

Bryce was circumcised. There were two reasons why we chose to do this. One, to give him the mark of the covenant - like his father and brother. Two, to collect Bryce's cells. Some may know that with Zane we did the same. Gusti's lab works on a pathogen that needs to always live within cells, and to grow the parasites you have to also grow human cells for them to infect. It just so happens that human foreskin fibroblast cells are easily available at hospitals. Various labs collect these samples (if parents wish to donate) and use them in their studies. We collected Zane's foreskin, and his cells have been used by Gus for his own research purposes. We decided to do this with Bryce as well, except the cells will not be used for Gus' research but instead be donated to the leading tissue and cell line consortium ATCC for research purposes. They have Trisomy 21 cell lines, but not Trisomy 13 or 18. Bryce's cells will be the first Trisomy 13 cell line available. In addition, the perfect control cell line would be a sibling from the same set of parents. We will also donate Zane's cells for control studies. Although there can never be a cure for any trisomies, researchers can use Bryce's cells to help understand the molecular and genetic mechanisms of these chromosomal disorders. Bryce's cells will aide science, families and their children inflicted with Trisomy 13.

I am in awe in what we can learn from my son Bryce.

Finally and on a slightly lighter note, Bryce keeps us grounded with Zane. Our sweet little terrible two boy can sometimes push our buttons. I am sure Zane hates it when he is so upset to throw a tantrum and all we do is smile. Bryce reminds me of how much I actually love to hear my son's cry.

There are so many gifts that Bryce gave the world and we have yet to determine the full impact of his short life.

I will always love my sweet son Bryce.

Bryce, my son, you were wanted. You are loved. Your spirit will continue to live in so many hearts. We will learn from you and your life for many years to come. You will not be forgotten, you will be remembered. I love you Bryce, I love you.

Thank you for those that read this and care to learn about and remember my son Bryce. This is a gift that we can give to honor him.

The photo above was taken professionally free of charge by a photographer at the hospital. A surgeon, whose love for photography and patients began this nonprofit organization. I am very thankful to have such an artistic and beautiful photo of my son. My hands cradle Bryce.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Please pray for my mom

May 26. 2009 Update: My mother was released from the hospital this morning. On Friday May 22, Cris underwent an angioplasty with a local anesthetic. The surgery went well, and although my mother was on Valium she was awake the entire surgery. (Wow - there were no issues of her blood pressure dropping too low. Can you imagine?) After surgery, mom instantly became more aware and better apt to speak. Thank you for your prayers for my mother. Thank you for your prayers for me and my family. Cris is at home recuperating and trying to adjust to new medications and a new diet. The initial worry of post surgery issues (i.e. stroke and infection) dramatically decrease after 3-4 days. From this perspective, she is doing well. Assuming that everything goes well, Cris should be able to return to work in a week or two. Hang in there Mom, I love you!

Some of you may know what I am about to write, although for some of you this will be the first to hear of the double grief in our family. At first I could not mentally process both my Mother's medical situation and the fate of little Bryce. This morning I realized that so many people are already praying for our family, that it would be easy for them to pray about my mother too.

The Monday we discovered Bryce was a boy and was celebrating his life and new name, my mother had a stroke. The Saturday before Easter, Dianna was concerned about a conversation (or lack there of) she was having with her mother and called an ambulance to come to her house in Houston. She refused medical care. Nana and Papa immediately drove down to Houston and took her to the hospital on Easter. The CATscan did not reveal a stroke but it was determined that she was having a transient ischemic attack (TIA). For those of you who do not know what it is, let's call it a prestroke or a mini-stroke (although technically this is incorrect, but you can get the idea). After this, there were many follow up appointments with doctors, and my mother promised to actually go and take care of herself. My mother does not like to go to doctors (for reasons that are not necessary clear to me), but never less she promised to go and came through with her promise.

Last Monday, she had an appointment with a neurologist and instantly while conversing with her, he could tell that she was either still in mid-stroke or had a stroke. He ordered an MRI (more sensitive than a CATscan) and it was apparently obvious she was in stroke. I found out the news of my mother the same day I learned of Bryce's condition.

Since then, my mother has had two medical procedures, one testing the exact extent and location of the blocking and the second an attempted angioplasty (clearing of the blockage). The first test results showed that my mother's left carotid artery (neck) was 90% blocked. A small artery behind her left eye is also blocked (currently causing vision issues). The angioplasty was not able to even begin, because my mother had a reaction to the anesthesia that caused her blood pressure to drop too low. Now the doctors are trying to determine a different procedure to rectify both the blockage and the anesthesia issue. The head cardiologist at the hospital will do the procedure, but the exact details of the procedure are unclear at the moment.

My mother is currently resting in the hospital, alert and fine. She calls me every day. She is able to have a conversation and speaks quite clearly, but things like simple math and numbers are hard for her.

I need you to pray for my mother Cris Lester. To give her the strength she needs to get through this crisis, knowing that she is also grieving about her lost grandson Bryce. To give her the knowledge that her only daughter will survive this grief, and that her son-in-law Gusti and little Zane will recover as well. My mother lives alone in Houston right now. Her partner Elba, is dying of liver failure and lives with her sister near the hospital that cares for her. My mother has multiple griefs right now. Please pray for all of them.

I need you to pray for my grandmother Rae Lester (Nana) and my grandfather Aubrey Lester (Papa). To give them the strength to travel to and care for my mother. To give them the peace to know that I understand that they can not be here with me and our family. My grandmother is literally sick that she is not here in San Francisco. But what could anyone in this situation do? I have my support team, my mother needs Nana and Papa. Give them the comfort in knowing that they are doing the best they can to take care of their family.

I need you to pray for the medical staff. To give the doctors the insight and knowledge they need to help my mother. Give them the hands they need to successfully handle her next operation. Her doctor and nurses have answered my mother's questions about trying to understand Bryce's condition. They have been compassionate enough to know when she is on the phone with me and let her converse without interruption. While waiting to deliver Bryce, I had a wonderful heartfelt talk with my mother. I truly appreciate this.

And finally please pray for myself, Zane and Gus, because we simply can not handle another loss at this moment.

Thank you,
Dianna

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sad news

The below post was written on Monday night after we found out that Baby El was a boy. I have documented BOTH of my sons' life and I thought it was only fair to share my happiness the day before I heard the bad news about Bryce. I want to make a scrapbook and this post needs to be published to add it correctly.

I have many feelings about May 15, and strangely there are good memories too of that day. But obviously mostly sad. I am still processing everything that has happened, and if I have the courage and ability to write about it. I know everyone is worried about me and my family. If it is at all comforting to know, I am taking anti-depressants.

If you read the post below, it discusses a blog site we made for Bryce. We did pull this site from our "Links of interest" selection, but it just demonstrates again that we were so happy and so excited about our baby boy. You can still click on the link to see the post if you so desire.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Dianna

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What a day!

After an amazing Mother's Day weekend, the celebration continues. Today was the day we found out the gender of El the Embryo, now known as Bryce Aubrey Zeiner. Yes, it is a boy! To commemorate this happy occasion, we celebrated with dinner, shopping, and making a new webpage for our boy! The link is to the left -- The Bryce BuZz. Details to this unforgettable day can be found in the new link. Enjoy!

Week 20 belly -- morning of the ultrasound. Dianna is wearing a gender neutral outfit, top courtesy of cousin Jennifer "Coming this Fall"

From El the Embryo


Now, most of you know that Dianna totally and completely 100% thought Baby El was a girl. There was no doubt in my mind today when I went into the ultrasound. My motherly women's intuition was incorrect, but I am overjoyed with knowing that I will have my Bryce.

Bryce Aubrey Zeiner
will be...
1.) A namesake to Aubrey "Papa" Lester
2.) Zane's little brother and best friend
3.) The second grandchild for 3 sets of grandparents
4.) Loved by all
5.) The most amazing second boy Dianna and Gus could hope for
6.) So many other things that I can not possibly imagine

And for those that think " Wow, Dianna is such a girly girl -- she totally needs a little girl". My response is simply... "That is what my dog Vegas is for". So do not be surprised when you see her dressed up like this ...

October 2005

Much love to all,
Mama Zeiner

Sunday, April 26, 2009

March 2009: End of the First Trimester - First Pics of Baby El

From El the Embryo


So here I am showing off my new belly. Although this outfit totally makes me look prego, I could still hide it if I wanted to... but I love already showing it off. This picture was taken at week 14 (end of March), by now I have already gained 10 lbs and my hips have spread so I am more wide than round. A bit different than with Zane...

We have already had two ultrasounds, one at week 9 (routine) and one at week 13 (for genetic testing purposes). All results came back within the normal range, looks like Baby El is off to a good start. Whether it is a girl or boy, Baby El is quite attractive -- in that ultrasound grey pixel image kind of way. =)

Week 9 ultrasound: you can see the beautiful big head, arm and leg buds. 1.65cm long
From El the Embryo


Week 13 ultrasound: What a difference 4 weeks makes, look at her long legs. 7cm or ~2.75 inches long.

From El the Embryo

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Here we go again....

Yes you read it correctly, it is time for Zane to be a big brother. Due date Sept 26, 2009. Surprise!

By the way, this is how we are announcing it to family and friends. We are curious to know when you find out. Please call or comment.

First Family photo:
From El the Embryo

I hope that you are pleased with the news and that you are excited as we are.

Here are the current stats:
5 weeks pregnant
Weight-135lbs
Waist- 30 inches

Due date: Sept 26, 2009

So how do I feel the second time around? Awesome! By this time last pregnancy we had already visited the ER with a possible "threatened abortion". It seems that my intestinal system REALLY slows down when I am pregnant and it can cause a few issues, like major cramping. Knowing this, we are already having a better pregnancy than with Zane. Morning sickness has started, but after round 1, I am prepared for that.

When we were pregnant with Zane, we knew by 3.5 weeks. With Baby El, I was so busy with Zane, Gus and Vegas being sick, that when I began morning sickness I just thought I had the stomach flu too. Vegas was just diagnosed with a rare blood disorder, where her immune system attacks her red blood cells. After an animal ER visit, blood transfusion and immunosuppressive drugs Vegas is doing really well. Zane and Gus had a case of the stomach flu, so when I began vomiting I naturally thought I had it too. It was not until Saturday morning (after a week of the "stomach flu") that I woke asking myself, why hasn't my stomach flu gone away... and then I did the math and realized that I might be pregnant.

So you might ask, was this planned? Indeed it was! Over the Christmas holidays we decided it was time to expand our family, but I got so wrapped up with everyone being sick and the excitement around the Inauguration of President Obama that I kind of forgot. Sad, huh? Poor Baby El, I promise you I love you.

So gut feelings... it is a girl. Baby El is named after Elvis, but because I think she is a girl we tried to find something more gender neutral. Plus one of Zane's favorite words is elephant, so it kind of fits. El the Embryo... it is so nice to be your vessel. Hang in there, kiddo. We have a long 35 weeks ahead of us.

Until we actually hear the heartbeat we decided to wait to post this "diary", but I am writing it during the actual time of 5 weeks.

Love to all!
Mama Zeiner