Bryce's meaning in life

Dear Bryce,
Walk barefoot and build your dreams...



Baby of Mine (Lullaby from Dumbo)

Baby Mine, don't you cry.
Baby Mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part.
Baby of mine.

From your head down to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
But you're so precious to me,
Cute as can be,
Baby of mine.

But you're so special to me,
Sweet as can be,
Baby of mine.

I sung this lullaby to Bryce after his delivery.

We have been struggling with one main question, WHY? Why was Bryce so unlucky to have Trisomy 13? Why even with this, did his diaphragm not close correctly? Why didn't I miscarry in the first trimester? Why was Bryce's heart so strong, to survive as long as he did? Our answer to at least some of these questions are: Bryce fought to be known, and not be forgotten. Bryce wished to have an impact in this world, and he wanted to be loved.

There is a meaning to Bryce's life.

There are so many gifts that Bryce gave to us. I never imagined that I would have to make this type of decision. I never fully appreciated the miracle of life and also the depth of my love for my children. I never realized how much I love being pregnant and caring for a baby in the womb. Bryce showed me my magnitude of what it is to be a mom. He gave me the gift of knowing exactly how I love a child.

I am in anguish about my son Bryce.

The night of discovering we would have two boys, our main fear was that Bryce would be in Zane's shadow. That he would always be compared to his big brother. We questioned if we could love a second child as much as we love Zane, and how unfair that would be to Bryce if we secretly did not. We were incredibly wrong. Bryce gave us the gift of knowing the depths of how capable we are to love another child, that the soul of our heart can expand enormously for ALL of our children.

I mourn my lost son Bryce.

Bryce gave me the gift of delivery. With Zane, I had a cesarean and even though he was a beautiful healthy boy, I was always disappointed that I did not deliver naturally. Obviously the circumstances were not as I imagined, but given my other choices I found peace in being able to hold and love him. I found solace in my labor and delivery.

I weep for my beautiful baby boy Bryce.

The circumstances surrounding Bryce's condition were unusual enough that it caused a re-evaluation of the previous genetic tests and conventional ultrasounds that were run. Bryce is being discussed by various medical personnel to determine why didn't medical science catch his conditions earlier. Our obstetrician, the genetic counselors, the radiologists are all looking into what they can learn from Bryce's situation. The data are still there, Bryce will continue to be studied.

I am humbled that many wish to know and fully understand my son Bryce.

Bryce was circumcised. There were two reasons why we chose to do this. One, to give him the mark of the covenant - like his father and brother. Two, to collect Bryce's cells. Some may know that with Zane we did the same. Gusti's lab works on a pathogen that needs to always live within cells, and to grow the parasites you have to also grow human cells for them to infect. It just so happens that human foreskin fibroblast cells are easily available at hospitals. Various labs collect these samples (if parents wish to donate) and use them in their studies. We collected Zane's foreskin, and his cells have been used by Gus for his own research purposes. We decided to do this with Bryce as well, except the cells will not be used for Gus' research but instead be donated to the leading tissue and cell line consortium ATCC for research purposes. They have Trisomy 21 cell lines, but not Trisomy 13 or 18. Bryce's cells will be the first Trisomy 13 cell line available. In addition, the perfect control cell line would be a sibling from the same set of parents. We will also donate Zane's cells for control studies. Although there can never be a cure for any trisomies, researchers can use Bryce's cells to help understand the molecular and genetic mechanisms of these chromosomal disorders. Bryce's cells will aide science, families and their children inflicted with Trisomy 13.

I am in awe in what we can learn from my son Bryce.

Finally and on a slightly lighter note, Bryce keeps us grounded with Zane. Our sweet little terrible two boy can sometimes push our buttons. I am sure Zane hates it when he is so upset to throw a tantrum and all we do is smile. Bryce reminds me of how much I actually love to hear my son's cry.

There are so many gifts that Bryce gave the world and we have yet to determine the full impact of his short life.

I will always love my sweet son Bryce.

Bryce, my son, you were wanted. You are loved. Your spirit will continue to live in so many hearts. We will learn from you and your life for many years to come. You will not be forgotten, you will be remembered. I love you Bryce, I love you.

Thank you for those that read this and care to learn about and remember my son Bryce. This is a gift that we can give to honor him.

The photo above was taken professionally free of charge by a photographer at the hospital. A surgeon, whose love for photography and patients began this nonprofit organization. I am very thankful to have such an artistic and beautiful photo of my son. My hands cradle Bryce.

Please pray for my mom

May 26. 2009 Update: My mother was released from the hospital this morning. On Friday May 22, Cris underwent an angioplasty with a local anesthetic. The surgery went well, and although my mother was on Valium she was awake the entire surgery. (Wow - there were no issues of her blood pressure dropping too low. Can you imagine?) After surgery, mom instantly became more aware and better apt to speak. Thank you for your prayers for my mother. Thank you for your prayers for me and my family. Cris is at home recuperating and trying to adjust to new medications and a new diet. The initial worry of post surgery issues (i.e. stroke and infection) dramatically decrease after 3-4 days. From this perspective, she is doing well. Assuming that everything goes well, Cris should be able to return to work in a week or two. Hang in there Mom, I love you!

Some of you may know what I am about to write, although for some of you this will be the first to hear of the double grief in our family. At first I could not mentally process both my Mother's medical situation and the fate of little Bryce. This morning I realized that so many people are already praying for our family, that it would be easy for them to pray about my mother too.

The Monday we discovered Bryce was a boy and was celebrating his life and new name, my mother had a stroke. The Saturday before Easter, Dianna was concerned about a conversation (or lack there of) she was having with her mother and called an ambulance to come to her house in Houston. She refused medical care. Nana and Papa immediately drove down to Houston and took her to the hospital on Easter. The CATscan did not reveal a stroke but it was determined that she was having a transient ischemic attack (TIA). For those of you who do not know what it is, let's call it a prestroke or a mini-stroke (although technically this is incorrect, but you can get the idea). After this, there were many follow up appointments with doctors, and my mother promised to actually go and take care of herself. My mother does not like to go to doctors (for reasons that are not necessary clear to me), but never less she promised to go and came through with her promise.

Last Monday, she had an appointment with a neurologist and instantly while conversing with her, he could tell that she was either still in mid-stroke or had a stroke. He ordered an MRI (more sensitive than a CATscan) and it was apparently obvious she was in stroke. I found out the news of my mother the same day I learned of Bryce's condition.

Since then, my mother has had two medical procedures, one testing the exact extent and location of the blocking and the second an attempted angioplasty (clearing of the blockage). The first test results showed that my mother's left carotid artery (neck) was 90% blocked. A small artery behind her left eye is also blocked (currently causing vision issues). The angioplasty was not able to even begin, because my mother had a reaction to the anesthesia that caused her blood pressure to drop too low. Now the doctors are trying to determine a different procedure to rectify both the blockage and the anesthesia issue. The head cardiologist at the hospital will do the procedure, but the exact details of the procedure are unclear at the moment.

My mother is currently resting in the hospital, alert and fine. She calls me every day. She is able to have a conversation and speaks quite clearly, but things like simple math and numbers are hard for her.

I need you to pray for my mother Cris Lester. To give her the strength she needs to get through this crisis, knowing that she is also grieving about her lost grandson Bryce. To give her the knowledge that her only daughter will survive this grief, and that her son-in-law Gusti and little Zane will recover as well. My mother lives alone in Houston right now. Her partner Elba, is dying of liver failure and lives with her sister near the hospital that cares for her. My mother has multiple griefs right now. Please pray for all of them.

I need you to pray for my grandmother Rae Lester (Nana) and my grandfather Aubrey Lester (Papa). To give them the strength to travel to and care for my mother. To give them the peace to know that I understand that they can not be here with me and our family. My grandmother is literally sick that she is not here in San Francisco. But what could anyone in this situation do? I have my support team, my mother needs Nana and Papa. Give them the comfort in knowing that they are doing the best they can to take care of their family.

I need you to pray for the medical staff. To give the doctors the insight and knowledge they need to help my mother. Give them the hands they need to successfully handle her next operation. Her doctor and nurses have answered my mother's questions about trying to understand Bryce's condition. They have been compassionate enough to know when she is on the phone with me and let her converse without interruption. While waiting to deliver Bryce, I had a wonderful heartfelt talk with my mother. I truly appreciate this.

And finally please pray for myself, Zane and Gus, because we simply can not handle another loss at this moment.

Thank you,
Dianna

Sad news

The below post was written on Monday night after we found out that Baby El was a boy. I have documented BOTH of my sons' life and I thought it was only fair to share my happiness the day before I heard the bad news about Bryce. I want to make a scrapbook and this post needs to be published to add it correctly.

I have many feelings about May 15, and strangely there are good memories too of that day. But obviously mostly sad. I am still processing everything that has happened, and if I have the courage and ability to write about it. I know everyone is worried about me and my family. If it is at all comforting to know, I am taking anti-depressants.

If you read the post below, it discusses a blog site we made for Bryce. We did pull this site from our "Links of interest" selection, but it just demonstrates again that we were so happy and so excited about our baby boy. You can still click on the link to see the post if you so desire.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Dianna

What a day!

After an amazing Mother's Day weekend, the celebration continues. Today was the day we found out the gender of El the Embryo, now known as Bryce Aubrey Zeiner. Yes, it is a boy! To commemorate this happy occasion, we celebrated with dinner, shopping, and making a new webpage for our boy! The link is to the left -- The Bryce BuZz. Details to this unforgettable day can be found in the new link. Enjoy!

Week 20 belly -- morning of the ultrasound. Dianna is wearing a gender neutral outfit, top courtesy of cousin Jennifer "Coming this Fall"

From El the Embryo

Now, most of you know that Dianna totally and completely 100% thought Baby El was a girl. There was no doubt in my mind today when I went into the ultrasound. My motherly women's intuition was incorrect, but I am overjoyed with knowing that I will have my Bryce.

Bryce Aubrey Zeiner will be...
1.) A namesake to Aubrey "Papa" Lester
2.) Zane's little brother and best friend
3.) The second grandchild for 3 sets of grandparents
4.) Loved by all
5.) The most amazing second boy Dianna and Gus could hope for
6.) So many other things that I can not possibly imagine

And for those that think " Wow, Dianna is such a girly girl -- she totally needs a little girl". My response is simply... "That is what my dog Vegas is for". So do not be surprised when you see her dressed up like this ...

October 2005

Much love to all,
Mama Zeiner